See what happens to Hitler's dick. He tears himself free and forces the door open and falls over backwards. It's not fair! And I come after the cats. 0:55. [Chuckling][Giggling, Groaning]Mm-mm. It's showtime! Maybe you fellon your head. Bruce Vilanch: I am catching the ping-pong balls and I'm catching them in my ass. [Tearing]Oh drat! Alright? It's a totally different show. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, uh-- May Igive you a hand, sir? Roquefort: [Sniffiing]Mm! Duchess:Because of our owner. Beloved comedian gilbert gottfried, who died tuesday, was as well known for his edgy and. I know it's Georges. Hey, there it goes! Georges Hautecourt: Yes, yes! [We see early pencil animations for the song, "Welcome to the Forty Thieves"]. The entire joke was a lampoon of the wealthy elite. WebThe Aristocrats (2005) "The joke leads me down one path" | and then it switches the path on me suddenly, and it hits me with a hammer. Roquefort: [Whispering]So he's the cat-napper! Duchess: Now, Berlioz. Duchess:Berlioz, come back here. You just hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas O'Malley. You know it was the night of your grand premierethat we first met, remember? Frou-Frou: I know. Take that! [Chuckling, Sniffing] So, what is that appetizing smell? Mr. O'Malley! [The claw grabs an alien and drops him down the hole, but we cut to Buzz Lightyear dancing past the Christmas tree] And plenty of surprises to discover. It's like Curly in the Stooges. He hit me on the head. The acts described involve incest, pedophilia, sodomy, coprophilia, coprophagia, and impressions of the victims of 9/11. Please,let me explain. It probes the darkest, sickest places of the comedian. Abigail: Gracious me. O'Malley: So I got a few to spare. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. What made them think this was entertaining! Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette In addition to detailing the history of the joke,. Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. Now don't be frightened. Look, Frou-Frou. Marie: Oh noI wouldn'ttake up much room. Oh, no! Hey,Mr. O'Malley, how much farther is it? Steady, girl. They're in the trunk! Aristocats are never found in alley [1] It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously bill themselves as "The Aristocrats". Duchess: Perhaps! [Clips of "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" are shown]. For a walking tourof France. And then the guy goes, "The Aristocrats." Duchess: Now that will do, honey. Duchess: Now, now, my darling. Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke. Now, now, my darlings. Evening, Edgar. Lil' Rush Lafayette: Well, where'smy beddie-bye basket!? Duchess: Thomas, this is Ameliaand Abigail Gabble. Duchess: Now, Marie, let's leaveToulouse to his painting. Cassim: You don't stand a chance against the King of Thieves. Helpingbeautiful dame--uh, damsels in distressis my specialty. I havea cracker with me. Toulouse hisses and spits], Toulouse: [Snarling,Hissing]Meow! And I'm not a man either. All: Everybody, everybody Everybody wantsto be a cat (2x), Frou Frou:Everybody (2x) Everybody wants to be a cat[ Giggling ], Uncle Waldo: EverybodyWhoopee! Splendid, madame! [1] Gottfried quickly launched into the infamous You have This kitten cat knows where it's at! WebWith nothing left to lose, he launched into the Aristocrats joke, shifting gears with a decisive, OK, a talent agent is sitting in his office. He goes on for nine minutes and 50 Mark Elliott: "Toy Story". [ Laughing ]. His chin isvery weak too. Amelia: Sir. Mac:[offscreen]Yup, and she goesall the way to Timbuktu. [Dives off the bedpost and bounces off the ball with his helmet]. [offscreen]I've learned to live with 'em. O'Malley: You know something? A talent agent is sitting in his office, Gottfried says. And that! All aboard for Paris! O'Malley: [Gasping] Help? O'Malley: No trouble at all,little princess. Remember when I took you to Sea World? Doug Stanhope: And I stick my cock in her ass [pantomines holding his penis] It's like a shillelaigh, it's all knotted with boils and fibrous tumors. They're old buddiesand they're real swingers. Chorus: [sings] Winnie the Pooh. You're comin' on. WebIts an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Toulouse: Get her, Berlioz! The real joke is, it's not a Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing] Oh, Berlioz. [ Chuckling ]. Yeah. Thieves! O'Malley: It sure was,and what a finale. It falls over, shrieking. The Aristocrats- Not Telling The Joke. I've never seen you three here before. This little guy's on the level. Roquefort:Don't worry about me! Hugo: [Spits the straw and feathers out of its mouth] Man! Oh! ", T. Sean Shannon: "Well, you can't say that.". Alright? I've heard the "joke." Mark Elliott: But a band of notorious thieves. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Disney classic animated feature aristocats script (version 1.0) disclaimer: Which pets are blessed with the fairest forms and faces? That was very nice of you. Scat Cat:What's a little swinger like youdoin' on our side oftown? We're gonnafly after all! The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. This-- Well, this mansion? Gee, I'm cold and I'm w-wet. Why, there are a millionreasons why I should! Amelia: And by the way, when we get to Paris,you must meet Uncle Waldo. Mark Elliott: And take part in the wedding of the century. Edgar Balthazar:You came back? Carole Jeghers: There's never been a better time to make the dream come true. A few seconds later, Hugo comes to life, spitting a bird's nest out of its mouth]. Oh, please! It's just, "Here we go folks.". You know Edgaris so fond of all of usand takesvery good care of us. You remember him,of course. Voice-over: Buzz Lightyear to the rescue! The jokes setup and punch line often remain the same, but the midsection is improvised. Edgar Balthazar: Of course, Madame. "Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar" took you beyond imagination. Waving a scythe, Edgar chases O'Malley up a ladder. This is a family who are raping their own children, and performing bestiality! Berlioz: Just a nickname I gave you, "Roque-fort"? The alley cats attack Edgar], [Roquefort spins the lock and it opens. [After the green FBI warnings, the Walt Disney Pictures logo appears, but silent clips of Disney movies and some of the Disneyland presentations are shown]. They show aristocatic bearing. The percussionist - I love that word, "percussionist" - is going to put his triangle, put it in front of my triangle, and "Clang-a-Lang-a-Lang Went the Trolley," just the way Momma sang it, and then, I'm gonna take the banger to the triangle and cling-a-lang it until my clitoris swells up into a large Macy's Day Parade balloon, and I'm gonna take it and stretch it out and I'm going to wrap it around the microphone cord and fling it over my shoulder the way Mommy used to do. Nice goin; Toulouse. Georges Hautecourt:Very well. I'd like to send it to the kids from the show "Full House". A family walks in to a talent agency. O'Malley: Well, of course. Scat Cat: Why, this is outrageous &crazy! Please,you must stop that. I mean it's surprising they haven't that they're not all in jail! Now, Marie's the caboose. Because with usshe never felt alone. Abigail: And look at his crooked smile. Scratch one butler. Now think "goose.". Duchess! Roquefort:Hey, wait for me! [Grunting]Lafayette! Frou-Frou grabs Edgar by the jacket. The joke ends with the agent asking what the bizarre act is called, and the family replies the aristocrats. Duchess:[offscreen]His name is O'Malley. Naturellement! And, Georges, we must be sure toprovide for their future little ones. It's very niceof you. Edgar Balthazar: [ Panting ]Announcing Monsieur[ Panting ] Georges Hautecourt! Mr. O'Malley knows a placewhere we can stay tonight, and tomorrow we can all go home. The Aristocats! "The Aristocrats" is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians and dates back to the vaudeville era. Send us a tip using our anonymous form. Bonsoir! Edgar Balthazar: Could we take the elevatorthis time, sir? But, anyway, he says, "What is it called?" Poppycock, man! WebIn the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but For the aristocrats, the wholesome tv dad dreamt up one of the most depraved setups ever for one killer punchline. O'Malley:Wellguess they won'tneed me any more. I'll take careof you later. I just love them. O'Malley: Keep your head up, Marie! Uh, Iwassent here for help by a cat. Duchess: So, why won't you join us,Monsieur Roquefort? WebThe Aristocrats "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up [The movie logo appears] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". Girls. [offscreen]Huh, and those kids. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh! I'll show you a little bit later. And come to think of it, O'Malley,you're not a cat, you're a rat. O'Malley: "Swingers." Kyle: [after Cartman finishes the joke] I don't get it. Napoleon: 'Cause I outrank you,that's why. Napoleon: It's squeaky shoesapproachin', man. The horse hits Edgar with her back legs and he flies into the trunk. Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen!" This family, mother, father, four kids. But then the mother goes, "Please, sir, if you just give us two minutes, we know you'll like our act." Amelia: Of course, my dear. [Engine Starting,Backfiiring][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Backfiring Continues] [Gasping] The police station! [2] When told to audiences who know the punch line, the joke's humor depends on the described outrageousness of the family act.[3][4]. Well if a guy is fist f***ing his daughter, who's young, and her a**hole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. Berlioz: But he had a mouthlike a "hippolotamus.". While the son, still with his mother's shit in his mouth, goes over and licks the baby's tiny little balls. Naturellement! Duchess:[ Laughing ]They could hardly keep their eyes open. A slip of the handand it's off to dreamland. O'Malley: Of course not. Duchess: Edgar did thisto us? Guard #1: (Tries to get back up, but Achilles sits on him) Woah! Mark Elliott: He lived a solitary life behind stone walls. She plays Chopin's third movement, in B minor. Abigail & Amelia: [ Laughing ] [offscreen]That's stick together. Buzz Lightyear: To infinity. Naturellement! Roquefort: That's it! Georges Hautecourt: Evening. They're gone! Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. That'll be turning it on. Duchess:No, not at all. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Oh, come now, Georges. Oh, dear. Your father is trapped within their world. Aristocrats no longer exist, or at least theyre not called aristocrats. and to most people, weird sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class. It will come later. Toulouse: Don't worry, mama, we will. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet. 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