Support for Abuse Survivors. Why Didnt My Enabling Father Protect Me? I will not lose my sense of self like you have. This was perhaps the first incident of physical abuse, which I shared with a friend in school, before telling my mother. I just want everyone to get along.. I cannot see any choice other than to cut communication with Mum to manage the distress her behaviour causes and I am in the process of seeking counselling. She had always seen her father as the villain of the piece, but she began to see that what she considered her mothers passivity was much more than that. In my case, it is my mother. Have you talked to your mom about how you feel? My career hasnt progressed in the way you wanted it to. Press J to jump to the feed. Im not really sure what that even means but you might know for yourself. Also, I love my mom sooooo much, she is my best friend but it does get difficult navigating the resentful feelings because they sneak up on me when I think about the past and I get confused how to respond to those feelings. . Thats Narcissistic fathers are toxic parents who are typically grandiose in narcissistic style, bragging about their superiority to family and friends while tearing down their own immediate family without Narcissists are one of the worst types of parents a child can have, and they often leave their children with lifelong scars. 10 Tips On How To Cut Off A Narcissistic Father, 13 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Affect Their Daughters, 8 Tactics To Protect Yourself From A Narcissistic Father. To me, that is what a mother does. I wont wish you contentment because I dont feel you deserve it. She was an abusive mother and an abusive wife! Its not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to say things like, If I dont do this, youll never be successful when you grow up. She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult. "My mother is my father's staunchest defender. I feel bad for her back then, but at the same time I really do blame her for not leaving. She wanted to come over and stay with me and I said it wasnt a good time for me. However, more than anything, moral courage requires the ability and willingness to risk doing the right thing even though others might disapprove of or exclude you, writes Dr Stephanie Fagin-Jones. And the worst part is that it took me months and months to even accept that I was abused. Take care and remember that you are not alone in this. . I was raised as the oldest child of a single mum who often struggled to cope. Copyright Inner Toxic Relief - All Rights Reserved 2023. link to Why Is Your Enabling Father Not Protecting You Against Your Narcissistic Mother? You left the room and didnt come back. Your IP: But they aren't. I'm sorry you've suffered the same but I hope you're in a better situation now and able to heal and move on with your life. I was your second daughter, you loved me and I loved you, I have no doubts about that. Thank you! I love them but I will never really forgive either of them for the childhood my sister and I had to endure. Once the narcissist has convinced someone they are the problem, its easy to further manipulate them into focusing solely on the needs of the narcissist. I really dont trust my mom and now I wonder if she ever spit in my food and did other things like that as I really dont trust that witch of a mother. I know I was very angry at my father for a long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. We must, to survive. Your emotions are valid, and you're entitled to have negative feelings towards someone you love while still loving them. Their codependence was a survival mechanism, but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. One of my older siblings had recently run away from home, an act of defiance that left my mother reeling. She lives far away and seldom calls me, and when she does, she talks about superficial things. #abuse #mommyissues #healing #trauma #breakthecycle #abuser #familyabuse #mentalhealth #mentalglowup #oldestchild #traumadumping #growth #homeless #change #innerchildhealing #fyp #abuseawareness #daddyissues #growth". Yes, my mom catered to my dad all the time. My journey through the depths of hitting rock bottom and how I faced my fears and have started to turn my life around. Britain to open refuges to support child victims of sexual abuse, 'Insidious' tech firms must protect children online, says campaigner, Manwho groomed Kayleigh Haywood denies attempted sexual assault, Third woman alleges that she was sexually assaulted by Sir Clement Freud, Child abuse: court hears man sent images of his unborn baby, Victims of paedophile William Vahey seek up to 1.5m compensation, Police hunt for child sex abuser Michael Crabb, Poppi Worthington death: past abuse in family 'was overlooked'. I dont accept that minimal love and I dont want your gifts. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Whether it's intentional or subconscious, "a toxic person tends to be controlling, demanding, manipulative, demeaning, and/or self-centered," he says. We do not defend abusers here. I understand my mom and yes, also have compassion for her. You've been given a temporary ban. Peg Streep's newest book is Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering. Understanding that Mum is emotionally vulnerable has meant my siblings and I dont raise these issues with her in the interests of keeping the peace. Breaking taboos is hard. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Photograph by pezibear. just how you can recover and live a happy life. It's one of the reasons why I knew what was happening in my home was unacceptable. Only you can know that. Mom worked her ass off for us because he wouldn't. They chose to have two more children later, and it was always clear that unlike me, my sisters brought them happiness and pride. This can be especially difficult if you have lived like this for years. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. The day my mother didn't protect me. Please share your stories, your questions, your histories, your fears and your triumphs. Please see our disclosure to learn more. Art Science Poetry Music & Ideas, The girl who aspires to weave her palm creases herself!. A constantly angry dad and an emotionally unavailable mum (who did little to shield us from his toxicity) makes for a pretty miserable upbringing. Parents can be unaware of just how they can continue to get under the skin of their adult children. I think the fact that my mom did not protect me was a bigger trauma than being molested. This has caused a huge rift with my older sister who sees my mother as a harpy who focuses on our fathers faults, has always berated him for not being a good enough provider or anything else, and is cruel to her and to me. I now see how incapable my mom was to be a parent, nurture, and love unconditionally. "I didn't feel I could say anything as a child because I feared no one would believe me," said a young adult male, due to the perpetrator being a church leader. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. And it gave a dent on my mind. It's possible for adults to communicate how we might feel neglected without being passive-aggressive, manipulative, or placing undue guilt on those we care for emotionally abusive or emotionally absent parents don't communicate clearly, however. (Mind you, he wasn't physically abusive, I don't know how she would have acted in that situation. Why did he exclusively target me over her? Your narcissistic mother actually encouraged trauma bonding by alternating her own patterns of abuse and special treatment. Sometimes, all we can do is ask for what we want. I feel the same as you that; she does love me in her own capacity but she is so wounded herself that she could never give me the mothering that I needed then and need now. If she is 25 , why does she live at your parent's home? Its a betrayal thats hard to accept because it feels like no one loved you. I went through the same thing where he would yell horrible things at me and when I cried he said I was acting. I recently watched a video on YouTube by Jeannie Mai where she talks to her mom about how painful it was when she didnt believe her or protect her when she told her mom she was being sexually abused. I love her, but I resent her for it. She needed someone to parent, nurture and love her unconditionally first because she never got that. The action you just performed triggered the security solution. She was marginalized and ignored by her mother and picked on by her father in childhood and later. Every man who put a hand on my body received a tight slap there and then. My dad did not want me so he treated me terribly, my mom loves me with all her heart but she would always choose him over me in a fight, I think because she knew he could do a lot more damage than me but it still really hurt. . 6. My mother failed to protect me from sexual abuse as a child 'When you work through all your experiences and feelings and have them validated, it may bring you some peace.' Photograph: Alamy After. It happened when I was five or six. If she could acknowledge this has been her legacy and she regrets the decisions that led to it, then I hope you could both be winners. Or she will invoke a conversation about how she was a good mother, then she brings up a traumatic incident that she insists wasnt her fault. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. Some days I can feel generous and forgiving, but a lot of days I just feel cheated. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.". Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts. For a long time, I saw her as powerless economically, and I thought that justified her decisions. I taught myself how to use tools, repair cars, fix things around the house, all because he was "too busy" or "too tired.". And then of course there are the days I ask myself, what is wrong with me that she isnt more interested in my feelings? I think I am learning not to spend as much time on that question though. I took a glass to You made me take all the blame, the shame. The narcissists flying monkeys are often family members, sometimes even children, who do the same thing. Enablers become that way for a host of different reasons but usually its out of a misguided sense of caretaking, also known as codependency. I remember it clearly as bath time; feeling dirty, confused and guilty. 15/03/2015 14:04. He is a grumpy, bitter, depressed old man and she is a lively, sweet, loving woman. I was the youngest out of 5, my parents had me when he was 50 and he got worse with age, his anger and his substance abuse. Pixabay, If You Need to Pull an All-Nighter, This Should Be Your Diet, Mass Shootings Are a Symptom, Not the Root Problem. Yes, I had an emotionally challenging childhood. But I cant change the past. Or that she had had a choice about them. Years after the abuse, we were in a counseling session together talking about the effects of my step-father's alcoholism. I spent my entire childhood imagining how my mom feels and trying to pick up the pieces of her life for her. I read the post up until the letter and just couldnt read any further. My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up. Would it be like denying what your experience has been? Performance & security by Cloudflare. Today, you tell me I dont visit enough. When she called me evil and bad, she didnt care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. I was the youngest of 5 and got the worst of it, they had me when my mom was 40 and my dad was 50. Love to Garden? No, the family name needed to be protected. When Mom Doesn't Believe, Validate or Protect Her Daughter When She Has Been Sexually Assaulted/Abused If you prefer to read; The original trauma of being sexually abused or assaulted. I cried and believed you would rescue me. Fuck us kids, right? Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads. It is an audiobook and I can send it to you via email if you are interested. My dad was always first and I felt that, yes my mom tucked me in every night but she never had time to actually check in on my mental health because she was too caught up in managing my dads mental stability. I hope we can get past this as well. I thought she was angry with me. Thats the truth.. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. That has caused them to buy into your narcissistic mothers delusions, and as a result, they have decided to disregard their own needs and yours to protect her. Incredibly, the night before this happened I had a dream about her. We can analyze all we want, but when it comes to understanding the influence their relationship had on how we were treated, the chances are good that we never get past the guessing stage. Even if that is true (and for some people, it is), you can love yourself. Even so, in recent years Mum has made a habit of raising the issue of my assaults unprompted, to explain that she wasnt a bad parent. It has taken me years to really understand that loving someone doesnt require you to lose your soul and that how she treated me was about her, not me. Didn't leave a lot of time for us. I feel like I'm in/was in a similar boat. Talking about secrets we were trained to keep quiet about, is one of them. Theres nothing passive about standing by and watching your husband abuse your children. I closed the door on my mother last March. Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. Why did my mom never stop my dad? She has a new boyfriend who treats her well and we get to live with them. It was always about getting her needs met. Jeannies mom reminds me exactly of my mom. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. My lifestyle isnt as good as my sisters, who apparently has it all. I think I didn't word my post too well. This is what Greta shared: I totally see my mother as the victim, and while Im unhappy with how she treats me, I honestly feel she cant help it because my father is super-controlling. Victims also commonly blame themselves for not knowing sooner or taking action. This was not justice. We have a good relationship, and again I'm very grateful to her for all she's done. I remember that she was angry. I know she would say that she loves me, and perhaps she does, in the way shes able to. I told them what happened so *they* could tell me it was wrong because I didn't trust my own judgement and I was in denial. Narcissistic abuse takes a terrible toll on your life. In a weird way, their marriage has thrived, because they had someone to blame for their occasional unhappiness from the very start. Whether you work on your personal growth by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. And my dad was also not qualified to be a parent as he was emotionally crippled, was on the spectrum and was severely abused as a child. Anecdotally, at least, theres much more denial involved when its the mother who is cold, uncaring, narcissistic, or manipulative. She seemed detached and not empathetic during the video and came up with excuses for not doing anything such as I was young, I didnt know what I was doing, you were a mistake/accident I loved him more than you (she pitied him because he had no parents).. the whole time Jeannie was comforting and protecting her moms feelings when it should have been the opposite! If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. What To Write To My Mother Who Didnt Protect Me From Abuse? Managing in the War Zone. Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. Fast-forward to present day. Whether you. Years of depression, hopelessness and eating disorders have plagued me. I wish I could take it out of your life. She would do anything to keep him happy and calm but he was still always anxiety fueled and angry. JavaScript is disabled. I learned to tackle them on my own the hard way, much later into my teens. Dont try to minimize the trauma of a child. Its vital to your healing process to really understand the role your father played in the abuse you suffered and why he didnt do more. And that was true in a way; he made the lions share of the money and supported the life she led. 5 Spiritual Practices That Increase Well-Being. Bottom line is I was a child and she was an adult. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. For a full list of our rules/more information, click here. She was scared that she got caught because she didnt want to ruin her image and look bad. For now, your feelings are valid. She revealed that something similar had happened with her as well, and her mother had confronted the abuser in front of my friend. I want you to explain why you failed to protect me, but I know that you are not brave enough. Philippas answer Im sorry all this happened to you and that you still live with the consequences of it. For trauma therapy advice, contact emdrassociation.org.uk, If you have a question, send a brief email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk, After counselling you may feel strong enough to let your mum back into your life on your terms and with your boundaries, Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, When you work through all your experiences and feelings and have them validated, it may bring you some peace.. Can feel generous and forgiving, but I know I was raised as the oldest child of a single who... 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